When a Tradition No Longer Feels Right
Many families have a tradition keeper. Typically, it’s an unofficial role. Usually, they aren’t given the title. More often, they step into the shoes because tradition is something they deeply value (or because they are the only one willing to do so). If tradition is important to your family, you may be able to pinpoint the “tradition keeper(s)” in your crew. It’s a big job, and it’s important because others who also value tradition look to them to keep the fire going.
Those who value tradition often live by an unspoken rule that traditions must stay the same, year in and year out. This is one reason holidays can become so difficult after a loss. Attempting to carry out the tradition without that person can amplify their absence and deepen one’s sense of loss. Ultimately, we’re reminded that things can no longer carry on as they once did, and tradition, in and of itself, becomes a secondary loss.
At the same time, grieving people often see opportunity in tradition and ritual, in that it allows them to connect with, honor, and remember family members and friends who have died. Many people go on to create new traditions to remember their loved ones. These rituals and traditions can be of great comfort to grieving people as they carve out a safe space to grieve and reflect, and allow you to continue to feel connected, in the present, with the person who died.
But here again, we sometimes encounter pain and secondary loss because - What happens when a tradition you started in honor of someone who died no longer feels right?
This is a question we’ve received from grieving people, and it highlights the reality that, when change is necessary, tradition can be a source of guilt, loss, disappointment, and pain. This doesn’t mean tradition is something to avoid; on the contrary, it’s often because we value tradition so deeply that it becomes a potential source for pain.
Why might someone feel like a ritual or tradition no longer works for them?
In looking at this question, let’s start with the ‘why.’ Why might someone feel like a ritual or tradition no longer works for them?
They’ve changed.
Their grief has changed.
The way they continue their bond has changed.
Their needs have changed.
The tradition has become difficult to continue over time.
Others who once participated in the tradition no longer do so.
They started the tradition for others to begin with (ex. a parent started a tradition for their kids)
I’m sure there are plenty of others, but these are the big ones I can think of.
Notice, none of the reasons I’ve listed here have anything to do with no longer loving or caring about the person. However, many people worry that this is exactly what their apathy toward the tradition signifies: that they don’t care enough or are moving on.
The thought of letting go of a tradition they started specifically to connect with someone they care about can bring up a mix of distressing emotions, such as guilt, shame, or even fear. "Does this mean I’m moving on from the person? Am I being selfish? Why don’t I care anymore? Do I owe it to them to keep this going?"
It's Okay for Tradition to Change
We want to reassure anyone feeling unsure about a tradition they started in honor of someone that it’s normal and common for traditions to end or change. We encourage people to consider the following two points.
Traditions Change All the Time
First, traditions change all the time, though we may not realize it. Little by little, we adjust this and change that. Someone leaves home, gets married, grandchildren are added, someone takes on a new role, things change, and are adjusted. We don’t always mind these adjustments because they are often for positive or mundane reasons. And they may feel more subtle or in our control than the changes we experience in the wake of loss. As we wrote in our article, New Perspectives on Old Traditions.
I'm willing to bet your family makeup has changed plenty of times over the years and that your traditions have adapted accordingly. Of course, none of these changes felt quite as distressing as the death of a family member—and so this shift requires adjustment on a much larger scale. But it's important to be open to change and to experiencing meaning in your rituals however they may be altered.
The Way You Continue Your Bond Changes and Evolves
It’s normal for traditions to change as daily life, relationships, and connections change. Though you may not logically see how your relationship with someone who died could change, the reality is that these continued bonds actually do evolve and change along with you and your grief. As we wrote in our article, Becoming a parent After the Death of a Parent.
The relationships we have with our deceased loved ones aren't static. They don't get frozen in time, they continue to evolve and change. So you may understand [the person] in new and different ways at the age of 20, 30, 40, 50 and so on. And the things you did to connect with [them] at 20 may be different than those things that you do now.
Consider how much people change over time in general. Add to that, the reality that grief changes you, your needs, and your understanding of the world exponentially. Then consider how your relationship, understanding, and connections with the person who died continue to change, in a similar way to how they would change if they were alive. Based on all this, allowing a tradition to change, especially one that you may have made in the early days of grief, makes sense.
If you are struggling with guilt about changing or letting go of a tradition or ritual you feel compelled to change (not because someone else is pressuring you to change), I encourage you to observe all the many other big and small ways you connect with that person. It’s possible to let go of one thread and still be holding onto a whole ball of yarn.
Eleanor Haley, M.S. — Co‑Founder & Program Director, What’s Your Grief.
