This article explains that grief has no set timeline and cannot be rushed or measured in stages. It emphasizes that everyone experiences loss differently, and feelings of grief may come and go over time rather than fully disappear. While society may expect people to “move on,” healing is non-linear, and grief often softens but remains part of a person’s ongoing emotional experience and connection to love.
In the midst of grief, it’s easy to feel like it will last forever — like you’re walking on an endless path with healing and acceptance appearing only as mirages on the horizon. And because grief is so disruptive and uncomfortable, we find ourselves wondering, “How long will this last?”
The bad news: the idea of a grief timeline is largely a myth. It certainly doesn’t follow a linear path or even a predictable one. The good news: while grief may never fully dissipate, it generally becomes less intense over time, with occasional difficult days here and there. The feelings of grief will soften over time, but part of the reason why grief has no timeline is because love — and therefore grief — never truly ends.
Still, despite this understanding, there are many reasons the myth of the grief timeline persists.
Why do we feel like grief should follow a timeline?
When a loss occurs, people in our lives are often eager to provide support: making meals, running errands, checking in, etc. As time goes on, however, those offers tend to taper off, sometimes sooner than we feel ready for.
Grief, whether our own or someone else’s, is uncomfortable — a byproduct of our society’s aversion to talking about death and grief. When we aren’t the ones grieving, we’re even more eager to move on and back to the safety of what’s familiar.
Seeing other people go about their lives while you feel like your world stopped turning can be disorienting. You may even have people telling you things like, “it’s time to move on with your life.” Please know it’s okay for it to take a while for you to adjust to your new normal. There is no shame in the pace or path of your grief.
Grief expert David Kessler says people often put time constraints on grief, expecting it to dissipate too quickly. There is a persistent idea that most of our grief should be behind us within a year following a loss. However, when Kessler teaches about grief, early grief is the first two years.
Like a snowflake, each experience with grief is unique. Even the same person can experience grief differently after different losses.
Understanding the five stages of grief
The way grief has historically been discussed may contribute to the idea that it should follow a timeline or a prescribed trajectory. In 1969, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the concept of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Despite many clarifications and reminders throughout her career, these five stages of grief have become deeply embedded into our thoughts about grief.
Kübler-Ross developed the five stages of grief after observing how patients with terminal illnesses came to terms with their own mortality, not people processing the loss of a loved one, as is often assumed. In a collaboration with Kessler in their book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning in Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, they are upfront in stating that grief is not linear.
According to Kessler, the five stages of grief are not steps to complete in their journey, they simply reflect common emotions many people experience during grief. A person might feel each stage of grief but in a different order; another may only experience one or two stages, while some may feel none at all. The stages can repeat or overlap.
Our brains like order to make sense of things. With a feeling as complex as grief, our brains struggle. Having something like the stages of grief to categorize our feelings helps us make sense of them and feels less chaotic, which is likely why they have persisted.
Ultimately, grief has no timeline because grief has no end. It’s been said grief is simply love with nowhere to go. When you love someone deeply, their absence in your life will likely always be felt. Even though their life has ended, your love for them lives on. Thus, you will always carry your grief with you — but it will get lighter with time. Actor Andrew Garfield speaks on this concept beautifully about his late mother.
Perhaps one of the best illustrations of this concept shows up in the children’s book Grief Is an Elephant by Teresa Ellis Smith. When grief first arrives, it is like an elephant — so big that there is hardly room for anything else. But over time, grief can become smaller and smaller — first a deer, then a fox, a mouse and finally a flickering firefly in the darkness leading us down a path of loving remembrance.
Allowing your grief to lighten over time does not mean you’ve forgotten or “moved on.” It means you’re processing your grief and learning how to carry your grief with you.
Author, Love Always
